Some people use it, like, to settle their stomach. If you...
Happy Father's Day, mothers!
- Hey. - Hi, hi, hi.
- SAM: Oh, you made bruschetta? - Hi, lovely.
- I'm making bruschetta. - Oh, hey there, Sunny.
My ex is with Hiya's ex. This is Hiya.
- SUNNY: Oh, hi. - Uh, Chaya.
- Chaya. - Hiya.
Chaya. It's a hard C-H.
Hard. Like, uh,
challah French toast. Chaya.
Hiya.
(SIGHS) I can't with these shiksas.
- Hiya just got separated, too. - (CHAYA GROANS)
- Our husbands work together. - SAM: Ex-husbands.
- Ex-husband. Get used to saying it. - LENNY: No.
I'm not saying it.
He's just having a moment. He's coming back.
I got to believe he's coming back.
That's what I thought in the beginning.
- Ha! - TRESSA: Okay,
- just reminding everyone. - Yeah, right. Exactly.
Lesbian. Single mom.
Every mom is a single mom.
No, no. Real single mom,
not divorced single mom.
- Stop bragging. - (CHUCKLES)
So, where are your kids?
- Jeff took them camping. - CHAYA: Mmm.
His mantra is to be the best dad and ex-husband
he possibly can be.
That's so annoying.
Wait, why?
(SIGHS) Why? Why?
Because of the years.
Do you know how many years we spent
sitting at the kitchen table
with you crying over him
and me begging for you to leave him?
Five years.
Five.
Five years.
You were tortured, and now that
he's not your problem anymore, he's amazing.
I know. It's crazy,
but we're really happier
than we ever have been, and we're working on being
the best exes we can be to each other.
- Why is that...? - SAM: That's-that's great.
Good for you, I guess. I just...
I just can't ever do something like that.
That's not...
That's big.
Oh.
This is happening because of you.
You got me through the dark days.
Oh, man.
It's my job.
SUNNY (WHISPERS): Don't forget, okay?
SAM: Never forget.
Damn. I wanted to be like Jennifer Garner.
She's the number one best ex-wife in the world.
She's so pretty. She cooks.
- You cook. - SAM: How does she get over it?
He shtups the nanny, he breaks his sobriety,
she jumps in the car, she drives him to rehab,
and now they all go on vacations together with the kids.
I'm gonna be sick.
And she composts and makes her own honey
and probably mead and...
I love her hair.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
We were having a honeymoon of a divorce.
We were gonna handle
the whole thing ourselves on the Internet.
- Okay. This is mediators. - Mediators. But I'm gonna...
- But we-we can do it online. - Mediators are here. Lawyers... Yeah.
SAM: What are we gonna do with our rings?
- I guess I never got that far. - Hock them.
- (LAUGHS) - We can hock them, yeah.
SAM: We were gonna live, like, on a compound
and raise the girls together.
Then his mother got into his head.
♪ Lonely... ♪
He's ready for you.
♪ It's never easy being a lonely, lonely ♪
♪ Lonely, lonely, lonely boy... ♪
MAN: So,
you're LeBron, and this is the key.
But you can't get through, you can't get through.
So what do you do?
Basketball not your sport?
How's this? Divorce...
is like hockey.
You have face-offs and fights,
goals, heroes, villains.
But the kids are the puck.
Can we do soccer?
I don't know soccer.
Let me make this easy.
You make more money than he does.
So?
So, in the words of the immortal Jim Morrison,
come on, baby, settle.
Let's settle.
(SCOFFS)
♪ Ooh... ♪
And I've been paying ever since.
Did I tell you that Tom
now refers to his 25-year-old girlfriend
- as his soul mate? - Ew.
LALA: How fun is that.
So, when he was 30, a baby was born
with part of his soul, and now he has sex with it?
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
Someone please tell me why the hell
she'd want to be with him.
He has a cyst on his left testicle
that swells in the heat.
He has to constantly ice
his old balls in the summer.
- No! - I'm eating.
I cannot wait till he has his second family after 60.
I hope they're twins, and I hope that maybe
coaching all their sports and shit will kill him.
Baruch Hashem.
- Baruch Hashem. - Baruch Hashem.
(LAUGHTER)
- Baruch Hashem. - TRESSA: Cheers to that.
Least you know why he left.
Yeah, Richard swears up and down it's not another woman.
I don't even understand what happened.
I thought we were happy.
(LAUGHS)
And I don't know how
- I'm gonna live without him. - SUNNY: Oh, baby.
SAM: Oh, man.
Okay. Circle.
Do you want a Xanax?
Yes, I do.
- How many? - Three.
- SAM: Good. - Is that all?
(LAUGHTER)
The doctor is in.
(CHUCKLING)
Widows are so lucky.
- (LAUGHS) - SUNNY: Sam.
- SAM: I'm just saying. - We don't all hate them. Stop.
What?
You know, Ari wasn't perfect.
And to be fair,
I was the one who cheated on him. (SIGHS)
Thank God we ended it before it went too far south.
Did you know the whole time
that he was gay?
Gay?
Ari's not gay.
No, I know.
LALA: This kills me.
I got to tell you this before he gets here.
Tom wants to know what brand of sheets I buy.
- What? - This dude.
Does he want me to, like, put roses on his pillows
before he gets home to go to bed?
- You're not texting him back. - But then I'm a dick
because I'm icing him out on Father's Day.
- SAM: I like it. - Ice his balls.
Ice his balls, baby.
Ugh, can we stop talking about balls?
- LALA: Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
SAM: Wait a second. Wait a second.
He's coming here?
He's dropping off the twins.
Okay. The fun never stops, even when we get rid of him.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hey, Sam.
Hi.
- Smells good in here. - Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Are you staying?
I know you like hanging out at lady gatherings.
Just dropping off the kids.
On Father's Day.
Nice. (CLICKS TONGUE)
I spent the entire day with them.
W-Was that a whole four hours
with your own kids?
- Impressive. Hmm. - (SIGHS)
You've always been gunning for me.
Wh-What is your problem?
You're a terrible husband.
How do you know?
Lala tells me everything.
(INHALES) She does?
Mm-hmm.
Did she tell you how
when the twins were born, she got so depressed
she could barely take care of them?
I-I know about that.
That was... that was hard.
Yeah. Uh, yeah.
That-that was hard, Sam.
Do you know that when her mom died,
she just never bounced back?
That I begged her to get help, but she refused?
And do you know she hasn't let me touch her in two years?
She tell you that?
Yes, I finally called it,
but this has been a long time coming.
You may not like me, and that's fine,
but you have no idea what my story is,
and you have no right to judge someone else's marriage.
You've been divorced a long time now.
- Don't you worry? - About what?
Your bitterness.
You're getting brittle and hard.
It's not a good look on you, Sam.
("NOTHING" BY MIA DYSON PLAYING)
- (SCOFFS) - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Yeah, well, at least I don't have to ice my balls
when it's hot outside!
- ♪ Nothing will ever ♪ - (SIGHS)
♪ Make me feel better... ♪
- SAM: Okay. - WOMAN: Are you okay?
SAM: Yeah, I was gonna walk and see you.
- Pretty good, so I won't move around. - SAM: Yeah.
PEARL: We got married when we were 18.
At 21, he started being very, very mean to me.
But... in those days,
you didn't get divorced.
So you stayed together until you were 90?
You know, it seemed the best thing to do
would be just to stay there and not leave.
And, uh, I was, I was going to be dying soon anyway.
And so was he.
But when we both turned 90,
I just had had enough.
So...
I left him.
And that was 17 years ago.
And these have been the happiest
17 years of my entire life.
- (APPLAUSE) - (SAM CHUCKLES)
All right, Pearl!
Thatta girl.
Okay, baby!
(LAUGHS)
Did you get all that?
Isn't she great?
(INHALES)
I am the patron saint of divorced children.
And if you have any questions, you ask me.
I'm here to give you free legal advice.
Now, if the divorce is new,
there's gonna be a honeymoon period.
Ziva?
What's a honeymoon period?
Well, it's not an actual honeymoon,
but it's when the...
What, Andi?
I haven't gotten my period yet.
Womp, womp, womp.
- (CHEERING, CLAPPING) - (PIANO PLAYING)
♪ He talks about you in his sleep ♪
♪ There's nothing I can do to keep ♪
♪ From crying when he calls ♪
♪ Your name, Jolene ♪
♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪
♪ Jolene ♪
♪ I'm begging of you, please don't take my man ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪
♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪
♪ Please don't take him just because you can ♪
- ♪ Don't do it ♪ - ♪ Don't take him ♪
- ♪ Don't take him away ♪ - ♪ Don't take him ♪
(VOCALIZING)
- (LAUGHING) - ♪ Jolene ♪
♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪
♪ Jolene... ♪
- (LAUGHTER, WHOOPING) - Yes!
Oh, my God.
- That was beautiful. - That was cathartic.
Oh, that felt good!
- Crossing over. - How talented.
- What about you? - Not that talented.
(LAUGHS)
So who are you dating, Sam?
What? Oh.
No.
I don't. I'm on a time-out.
I don't play well with others.
- All right. - If this doesn't work out,
I am going to have spend every other Christmas totally alone.
Well, you could always come to my house and watch
me and Murray fight with the cat over the tinsel, huh?
(LAUGHING): I'm getting a drink.
Why, no?
- No, you come to mine. - You come to mine.
- Or hers, see? - All good.
I think it's a good offer.
Can I come to your house for Christmas?
Done.
The title of my speech is called
"Divorce: The Gift that Keeps on Giving."
Did you know that as children of divorced families
we're 50% as likely to grow up and get divorced ourselves?
So if you get divorced in your future,
blame your mom and dad.
Our next speaker is the Fox family accountant,
- Mr. Rey Rodriguez. - (CLAPS, WHOOPS)
Hey, guys.
Just a heads-up, I was raised by a single mom.
Never even knew my dad.
- I don't know my dad, either. - My man.
That's what's up. Yeah.
Okay, so as far as money goes,
there's only a few things you need to know right now.
First of all, there's a simple rule
called the 20-50-30, all right?
Let's say you make a dollar.
You save 20 cents,
you spend 50 cents on something you need
and 30 cents on something you want.
- You. - Do you have any tips
of how to stop your mom from crying all the time?
Just give her a hug.
Anybody here have a bank account?
Because I came to talk about money.
- BOTH: We're kids. - So what?
You want to retire before you're 85?
'Cause that shit's real.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS)
I can't wait till Murray starts smoking weed
- so I can stop hiding from him. - Mm.
Come here. I'm gonna shotgun you.
Open your mouth.
(CLEARS THROAT)
May I join you?
What was that thing you were doing?
Looked very fun.
I'd like to try that.
- Sure. - FRANKIE: Gran?
Gran, let's go. Come on.
You said we were going somewhere special.
Oh, bollocks.
(LAUGHS)
♪
(SINGING IN FARSI)
During the Shah's reign,
the British-owned oil industry was nationalized.
That was his first mistake that he made
that led to the revolution.
I'm very impressed, miss.
How do you know so much about Persian history?
Ubers... you see, I like to talk to people.
And 99% of the time, they like to talk to me.
There's so much to be learned from Uber drivers about...
(SCREAMS)
Too much water.
I asked for half a glass.
Oh, my God, Nan!
What?! It's a waste.
Well, yeah, but now he has to go and pour it out...
Persian.
They use that word to distinguish themselves
from the theocratic Iranians back home.
It's nonsense.
They should call themselves Iranians.
Persia hasn't existed since 1935.
SAM: So who wants to go next?
(PLAYING SOFT MELODY)
"Dear Ari,
"I am sorry I cheated on you.
"I just had to get out of the marriage.
"I was so unhappy.
"I don't think I ever loved you.
"There was so much pressure put on me
"by my family to get married and have kids,
"and you were kind and handsome,
"and so I said yes without a thought.
"Please forgive me.
"I hope you find a woman
who will love you and our kids."
(PIANO PLAYING UP-TEMPO CLASSICAL TUNE)
CHAYA: "Dear Richard,
"Out of everyone in the world, I chose you.
"And in choosing you, I wasn't only saying this is my man.
"I was also saying
"this is me.
"I trust myself enough to know
"what is right for me, what I need,
"what I say yes to in life.
"Marrying you was the greatest validation
"of the trust I have in myself.
"Which is why this is so painful.
"I question myself.
"I don't trust myself anymore.
"I've lost my compass.
"I forgive you.
"I do, and I'll never stop loving you.
"But it's going to take a long time
before I'll be able to forgive myself."
SUNNY: "Tom,
"I'm glad I finally found the courage
"to move on from a relationship that was going nowhere.
"For the sake of myself and our kids.
"I'm livid not only that you moved on so fast,
"but that it's with someone that hasn't got
"the physical, emotional and neurological challenges
"that I do.
"Now your life will be so much easier,
"and you won't have to face
"all those disappointments we've discussed for years.
"But, hey...
I just have to remind myself that neither do I."
"I will never forget watching "The Matrix" with you
"and being so worried you wouldn't get it,
- but you did. - (LAUGHTER)
"I remember loving you so much at that moment.
"Then we had some dark days.
"I felt so unwanted, so rejected.
"I know it was your insecurity,
"but I just couldn't take it.
"I don't know our future, but I do know I'm glad
- you are their dad." - SAM: Oh.
"I forgive you.
Let us both live in our truth."
(PIANO PLAYING SOFT, GENTLE MELODY)
(PIANO STOPS PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Sam?
Oof.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Y-You know what?
I think I-I... I think I...
I want to read mine.
I think I should.
(CLEARS THROAT, CLICKS TONGUE)
(SNIFFLES, CLEARS THROAT)
"Dear Hitler and Hitler's son,
"Why aren't you dead yet?
"How are you? How is your day?
"How do you live with yourself?
"I don't care how you treat me, but what about your kids?
"How do you divorce your own kids?
"They're the best thing that ever happened to both of us.
"Wondering how you sleep at night and why you aren't dead.
Love, Sam."
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SAM CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh. Okay.
I got to let this shit go.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Let this shit go.
- Let this shit go. Just... - That's a good idea.
There we go.
- Yeah. - Yes.
- SAM: Yeah. - Oh, that's-that's a beauty.
- SAM: Get a good burn. - That's a beauty right there.
- Burn it. - It needs to get out.
- SAM: Go from under. - Bye.
- Yeah. - Bye.
Out, damn spot!
(SAM LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)
(HOWLING)
(HOWLING CONTINUES)
(BARKING, HOWLING)
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHING, LAUGHING)
(EXHALING)
♪ For ♪
♪ How long? ♪
♪ We are only ♪
- _ - ♪ Skin and bones ♪
♪ We've got a ways to go ♪
♪ We are only ♪
♪ Skin and bones... ♪
Look what the girls texted me.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Little pumpkins.
Oh, my God.
Happy Father's Day.
Oh, happy Father's Day, Father.
(WOMAN SINGING IN FARSI)
You excited for your party?
You gonna speak Spebrew or Hebrish or whatever?
You know, when I was growing up,
my father was hardly ever around.
My parents stayed married, but my mother raised us all.
Every mother is a single mother, you know.
She worked three jobs,
and he didn't have fuck all to do with us.
One morning, I was walking across the square,
and I looked up, and there was my father
holding hands with a woman.
He turned as white as a ghost.
He dropped the hand of the woman.
It wasn't my mother's hand, you see.
He walked over to me.
"Phil," he said.
"Yes, Father."
He handed me a sixpence, and I went on my way.
We never spoke of it.
I tried to call my dad today to say "Happy Father's Day,"
but his voice mail was full.
That was very generous of you.
You know, I don't not want to have a relationship
with my dad.
You know, I don't want to live out this, like,
legacy of shitty dads generationally or whatever.
You know... Well, I hope you know...
It's most likely that he won't show up for your party.
I don't care. Gran, stop.
All right.
I got something I want to give you for your bat-whatever,
but I don't want to give it to you at the party
and get it lost in all the kerfuffle.
(GASPS)
- Oh, my God. - Mm.
It's real gold.
Gran.
It belonged to my grandfather.
He was a bit of a tosspot, but I loved him.
- It's beautiful. - Mm.
- I love it. - You do?
(SINGING IN FARSI)
Aw.
- (PHYLLIS LAUGHS) - Thank you.
FRANKIE: One bun, two buns, three buns,
four buns, five buns. This is bun six.
- I think I got it right this time. - Okay.
(SIGHS)
I... it's... (SIGHS) I-I don't even know.
I mean, she's-she's so strict, and, like,
there can't even be a hair out of place.
Like, it has to be glued down.
Okay, come back. I'll put more gel in it.
(DUKE SNAPS FINGERS)
Duke, is Mom making you go?
No, no. I want to go.
You should've seen her. She was so pissed
- after I gave up soccer. - What did she say?
But it's not like she was the one that had to do it.
- Like, it's my choice. - Yeah, if you don't want
to do soccer, you don't have to do soccer.
(GRUNTS) What's up?
- What's going on? - (SNAPS FINGERS)
(SAM CLAPS)
(SAM SIGHS)
We just want to be with the sisters now.
Copy that.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Cool.
Okay.
- It's nice, though... - There.
... that you guys have sisters.
So, you got this?
- FRANKIE: Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Right? I'll just...
I'll just go throw myself off the side of the freeway.
- Ooh, fun. - Yes.
To the garbage with me!
- (FOOTSTEPS RETREATING) - Don't worry about this.
I just, you know... ah... I have a better idea.
I'm going to chop myself up into little pieces
and flush myself down the toilet.
That's the natural place for me to go.
And, uh, you guys better hope
that I flush myself down super toilet.
Otherwise, I will clog up
the regular toilets, and you guys...
All right, bye, Mom.
... don't even know how to use a plunger.
I don't think you've ever touched one or...
know how to spell it, but that's fine.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - I have stuff to do.
I can go do stuff.
Frankie?!
I mean, we can hang out.
It's cool.
It's nice sisters want to be together with no mom.
That's fine.
That's cute. My work here is done.
It's obviously done.
Nobody needs me anymore.
That's fine. Cool.
♪ And be a man for my old lady ♪
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com